Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Trashlee's lunches

My lovely husband is kind enough to pack my lunches. He is very considerate when he artfully crafts them. He adds a dash of love and a sprinkle of joy. YEAH RIGHT!!!!!! What he actually does is find whatever we have in the fridge and shoves it into a bag and kisses me goodbye. Here are some examples:
Day 1: cut up carrots, celery and Greek yogurt.
Day 2: a LARGE and I mean LARGE container of left overs from dinner, and Greek yogurt.
Day 3: Chicken and Greek yogurt.
Day 4: cottage cheese, Greek yogurt, apples, bananas and almonds

As you can see my husband helps me with my diet. "Today you are fat, so only eat carrots and celery." "Today you look hungry, so you get a whole weeks worth of food for one day."

And he also looks out for my health by making sure I have Greek yogurt everyday.

Everyday when I come to work Day and I anticipate my lunch to find out what I'm having. It is like we are waiting for Christmas morning, "what did Santa leave me??? A Barbie motor home with Ken AND Skipper or the Wal Mart knock off of Barbie?"

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The Milk's Gone Bad, Charlie Murphy...

Today Trashlee comes back from lunch with a bag from the store. I can see it's a big ol' pack of diapers. What I failed to see was the tea that promotes lactation.

She's sitting at my desk reading the package of disposable diapers (she uses cloth...YUCK) and then pulls out the tea. So, to keep myself entertained, I start reading that package. There are a bunch of herbs and spices, bitter fennel, aniseed, coriander, fenugreek. All of which I am pronouncing like I am a snooty British bitch. Then one catches my eye. Blessed Thistle? So I ask.

What the heck is this junk?

Oh, it's supposed to help ease the tension and make the milk come out.


You heard me.

Weird. So, if I drink this tea will I start lactating? Cuz that might be cool, ya know, all the sudden have milk squirting out. Especially since I don't have a kid.

Uh, no, you won't start lactating.


Now, I really want some of that tea! In hopes that I can shoot my newly found milk at some unsuspecting schmuck. I go into her office after she has brewed hers and sniff her cup.

Hey, can I have some of your boob tea? It smells really good. What's that spice in it again...Blessed Thistle, yeah, I want some of that. OH and the Anus Seed.

I love Anus Seeds!

Monday, September 13, 2010

More Toilet Humor

Since Trash just got done complaining about our office building "turd burglar", I thought it would be suiting to talk about the other stupid women that work here that we have to share the facilities with.

One lady in the office next door must take her breaks in the restroom. She will start out by dousing her already crispy hair with hairspray, then she will wash her hands for 5 minutes, then she will spray her hair again.

There's another lady that will just sit on the toilet if anyone comes in while she is doing her business. I really want to yell at her sometimes because toilets aren't for sitting, they are for waste disposal! If you aren't releasing waste, get the hell out! And really, we're all adults and know that, as my husband says, EVERYBODY POOPS! Paris Hilton, Brad Pitt and Lady Gaga all do it. So get busy poopin' or go back to work!

Then there's this other broad that always comments on my cropped pants or capris and in the summer I wear a lot of them. I want to tell her that she doesn't need to make bathroom conversation with me, especially when it's always about my pants!

So, back to the #2 embarrassment. We have to walk down the hall and past another office to get to our shared bathroom. I was on my way for the 400th time that day. I walk past the other office's door and a lady walks out. She sees me go into the bathroom and turns around and goes back in. I was in there for about 1 minute, come out and she is waiting to go in! Are you serious, lady?

Back to the turd burglar. This lady will sit in the stall and make horrible noises while doing her thing. Seriously, if it's that difficult...take a laxative! All you can see of her are her giant, fat feet bulging out of her Birkenstocks. She should be the only one embarrassed about what she does in the bathroom.

I think we need to buy some room spray...

Turd Burglar

Yes that's right folks, I laid it all down in the title. We have a Turd Burglar (TB) in our midst.

The restroom in our office has 2 stalls. Day and I usually use the 1st stall, when we are forced to we use the 2nd one, eeeeek! We hate using that one. Here's why:

Someone goes in that stall and BLOWS IT UP!!!!! Not just the normal poop and leave. No no no. They poop out baby arms, which in turn makes the toilet clog. Then it takes several days for the toilet to start functioning again. This has happened about 5 times. I have no idea what this person is eating or what is wrong with their bowels to make them produce those baby arms.

See why we don't use the 2nd stall????

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Ass Clown...

Several people are asking what EXACTLY is an Ass Clown. An Ass Clown is a mixture of several distinguishing characteristics.

First off, the inspiration for our blog title, assuming that coffee has sugar in it because it has a donut on the packaging.

An Ass Clown might also have these characteristics:

  • Calling someone over and over and over and over and over and... OVER again, without leaving a message.

  • Having their office radio on BLAST for the rest of the office to hear the game scores as well.

  • Tucking in your shirt when you are wearing a suit, AND wearing a belt at the same time.

  • Driving someone else's car all the time; while your car is equally nice and in perfect working condition.

  • Calling above person because you locked their keys in their car at 3am.
  • Not putting a cup/carafe under the coffee maker when you start the coffee to brew.

  • Speaking with a HEAVY foreign accent when English was your 1st language.

  • Men who wear charm bracelets.

  • Eating canned vegetables and lunch meat because you are trying to eat healthy.

  • Men that smell like women.

  • Abbreviating a name, when the name is already one syllable.

  • Wearing designer jeans with pink stitching and rhinestones on the butt.

  • Being a good Catholic, but also going out EVERY night and drinking and dating several people at once.

  • Men wearing a scarf that looks exactly like a women's scarf.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Our Inaugurial Post

Trash and I have decided to chronicle our misguided workday. We talk about some crazy shiz and wanted to share our ridiculousness with everyone.

Today we were talking about Trash's son, Baby Man...BM for short. BM is teething so he has been a slobbery mess for the last few weeks. I walk into Trash's office and our conversation goes something like this.

"Guess what BM did?"

"Um, I think that my husband is dead. I sent him a text at 10 and he hasn't responded. Maybe he has dysentery and is dead."

"Ok, but guess what BM did?"


"He chewed on both sides of his crib. There are teeth marks all around the sides. You know, his nice expensive crib....I was freaking out and had to Google to see if the stain on the crib was toxic."

"HA HA, that's funny. He likes to eat wood!"

"OMG, that sounds so bad!"

"Well, we've had this discussion before. Maybe he's coming out at an early age. Maybe he just wants to get it out there. You know how he loves the Danielle Steele books, now eating wood. Sounds like he wants you to know."

"He really likes bras too. Wait, maybe that's ok. Men like bras."

"Or maybe he want to be a cross dresser."

"Oh, he does like my shoes too."

"Yeah, I think your kid is coming out!"